{"id":1437,"date":"2008-08-11T10:04:16","date_gmt":"2008-08-11T14:04:16","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/tyronepa.com\/v3\/?p=1437"},"modified":"2008-08-12T10:10:07","modified_gmt":"2008-08-12T14:10:07","slug":"lifes-coloring-book-a-column-by-suzi-walls-for-the-daily-herald-6","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/tyronepa.com\/?p=1437","title":{"rendered":"Lifes Coloring Book A column by Suzi Walls for The Daily Herald"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>My friend Beverly sent me the cutest email the other day, and I just had to share it with all of you. Many who have access to email may have already seen it, but I\u2019m certain that many others have not. This was written by a Sunday school teacher who had asked her second graders to write a book report about the Bible. Here is the children\u2019s Bible in a nutshell.
\nIn the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas.\u00a0 The Bible says, \u201cThe Lord thy God is one\u201d, but I think He must be a lot older than that.
\nAnyway, God said, \u201cGive me a light!\u201d and someone did. I didn\u2019t even think He smoked. Then God made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren\u2019t embarrassed because mirrors hadn\u2019t been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn\u2019t have cars.
\nAdam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
\nPretty soon all of the early people died off except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
\nOne of the next important people was Noah. He was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
\nAfter Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
\nAnother important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh\u2019s people.\u00a0 These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
\nGod fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His top Ten Commandments.\u00a0 These include: don\u2019t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or cover your neighbor\u2019s stuff. Oh yeah, I just thought of one more: humor thy father and thy mother.
\nOne of Moses\u2019 best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
\nAfter Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn\u2019t sound very wise to me.
\nAfter Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don\u2019t have to worry about them.
\nAfter the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, \u201cclose the door! Were you born in a barn?\u201d It would be nice to say, \u201cas a matter of fact, I was.\u201d)
\nDuring His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
\nJesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the mount.\u00a0 But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn\u2019t stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead. Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, and then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
\nAs I read this, tears of laughter filled my eyes. I wonder how often we take for granted that children really understand what we are teaching them. I wouldn\u2019t be afraid to bet that many adults think the same way. We are just lucky that God said we should always remain childlike in our beliefs. Who the heck wants to grow up anyway?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

My friend Beverly sent me the cutest email the other day, and I just had to share it with all of you. Many who have access to email may have already seen it, but I\u2019m certain that many others have not. This was written by a Sunday school teacher who had asked her second graders […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5,7],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1437","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-special-interest-news-in-the-tyrone-pennsylvania-area","category-excerpts-from-the-tyrone-daily-herald"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/tyronepa.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1437","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/tyronepa.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/tyronepa.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tyronepa.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tyronepa.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1437"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/tyronepa.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1437\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/tyronepa.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1437"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tyronepa.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1437"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tyronepa.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1437"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}