{"id":6367,"date":"2008-10-20T10:00:32","date_gmt":"2008-10-20T14:00:32","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/tyronepa.com\/v3\/?p=6367"},"modified":"2008-10-21T10:01:21","modified_gmt":"2008-10-21T14:01:21","slug":"life%e2%80%99s-coloring-book-a-column-by-suzi-walls-for-the-daily-herald-6","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/tyronepa.com\/?p=6367","title":{"rendered":"Life\u2019s Coloring Book A column by Suzi Walls for The Daily Herald"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>What do you think about infomercials? Most folks think they are a pain in the neck. They contaminate valuable television time with worthless information about products designed to take our hard-earned money. This is from the consumer\u2019s point of view; but to the seller, this marketing tactic has been a God-send. We consumers are lucky that infomercial prime-time is in the middle of the night – except for Walzie and me. It is not necessarily lucky that our TV stays on all night long.
\nRecently, I dreamed about renewing my youth. My brain was being bombarded with subliminal messages about how to refresh my complexion, flatten my tummy, gain the energy of a six-year-old, eradicate the many years of built up toxins from my digestive tract, and as an added bonus \u2013 I\u2019d lose some weight. When I awoke the next morning, I found a toll-free phone number written in the dust on our headboard. Either a ghost did it or an infomercial got to me during the night.
\nI told Mr. Skeptic about the magic potion that I \u201cdreamed\u201d about. He suggested that I phone that phantom number; he could stand to lose a few pounds and a little extra energy sure wouldn\u2019t hurt. And then he cackled apprehensively. So the miracle potion would arrive in seven to ten days \u2013 unless I wanted to pay an extra $25 for express shipping. Shucks, I\u2019ve been building up toxins in my system for nearly sixty years \u2013 another week wouldn\u2019t hurt, besides that extra $25 would get us a big bucket of Kentucky Fried toxins.
\nA few days ago a bubble-wrapped manila envelope arrived. It contained six bottles of Dr. Feelgood\u2019s Amazing Colon Cleanser. I quickly popped two of the alfalfa-smelling, horse-sized tablets and swallowed. They stuck. I gulped hard and they slowly rolled down my throat. My belch smelled like a hamster\u2019s.
\nWalzie read the label. \u201cYou know, this is just an expensive laxative.\u201d
\n\u201cNaw, Dr. Feelgood claims that it\u2019s much more than that,\u201d I told him. \u201cA lady on the infomercial lost 44 pounds the first month on this stuff. Oh, I can feel the toxins loosening already.\u201d
\n\u201cYeah, well, I\u2019d say that lady was full of it. You go ahead. I\u2019ll wait and see what it does to you.\u201d
\nAnd so for three days, I ate the rodent pills and belched alfalfa. Nothing happened.
\n\u201cCome on Walzie,\u201d I coaxed. \u201cGet with the program.\u201d
\n\u201cNot yet. I\u2019ll wait a little while longer.\u201d
\n\u201cHoney, all those toxins are building up and making you lazy.\u201d
\n\u201cThink so, huh? What I think is that really soon all that herbal stuff in your guts is going to explode. And it t\u2019aint gonna be pretty.\u201d
\nAnd so, we went to Walmart Supercenter for groceries. Standing in the check-out line, I felt the rumble. Surely, that wasn\u2019t an earthquake. The epicenter rumbled again sending shock waves throughout my toxin-riddled digestive system. Suddenly, I tossed Walzie the debit card and ran. I didn\u2019t even care that he smirked \u201cI told you so\u201d. And then the Richter scale shook at Sam\u2019s Club, Big Lots, Sheetz, Red Lobster, and McDonalds. Sadly, I am now way too familiar with every public restroom between State College and Tyrone.
\nThe remaining bottles of Amazing Colon Cleanser have been put to rest beside the Popeil Pocket Fisherman, the Ab Lounger, the Thighmaster, and the books that tell a million ways to get rich quick.
\nI have to admit that Walzie is the smarter one of us. He\u2019s turned off the bedroom television so that my little sleeping brain can\u2019t be peppered by subliminal all-night infomercials. His purchase of the Greatest All Time Country Music Hits CD plays all night long on our Bose bedroom boom box complete with surround sound. And just where did he get that CD and boom box? Yeah \u2013 you guessed it!
\nSo now what sort of information is my brain absorbing throughout the night? Well, I now know that I can\u2019t roller skate in a buffalo herd, but I can be happy if I\u2019ve a mind to! Thank you, Roger Miller.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

What do you think about infomercials? Most folks think they are a pain in the neck. They contaminate valuable television time with worthless information about products designed to take our hard-earned money. This is from the consumer\u2019s point of view; but to the seller, this marketing tactic has been a God-send. We consumers are lucky […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5,7],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-6367","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-special-interest-news-in-the-tyrone-pennsylvania-area","category-excerpts-from-the-tyrone-daily-herald"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/tyronepa.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6367","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/tyronepa.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/tyronepa.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tyronepa.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tyronepa.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=6367"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/tyronepa.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6367\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/tyronepa.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=6367"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tyronepa.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=6367"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tyronepa.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=6367"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}